Achromatic Colors Please!!!!!

ok so as you all know i’m crazy, not clinical – or at least it hasn’t been diagnosed!  i am well aware of the fact that my mind only seems to function rationally when circumstances are in black and white. it is more than evident that when there is the slightest bit of ambiguity i inevitably make the “bad” or “wrong” decision.  why then when it comes to ambiguity in relationships does the same not apply?  when dealing with matters of the heart why does my fight or flight syndrome become a matter of life or death.  it’s a neurotic anxious over analyzation that becomes unbearable in the forefront of all thoughts in my mind.  i get into this constant state of wondering whether i’m coming or going.  the hilarious part is that the man that i’m dating usually thinks that everything is fine and that we’re in a great place.  and here i am sweating donkey balls thinking that he’s going to call me in the next 5 seconds and say that he doesn’t want to date me anymore because _______ (fill in the blank – be creative!).  yeah yeah i know you must be like “where is she coming from?” or “oh sh*t she’s crazy” but i believe that there are a lot of other women that understand my neurosis!

so now i pose my question – rant: no one ever answers my questions, you all read the damn blog at least answer a question or two – how do you ease the anxiety and just “go with the flow” (whatever the hell that means)?

side-note: can people start speaking english? phrases like “go with the flow”, “it is what it is”, “just let it be”, “you make me happy”, “it’s all good”, etc. these phrases are meaningless jargon and it needs to come to an end – especially if you’re an adult!  learn how to actually say something of value with substance.  saying these phrases doesn’t make you sound deep, insightful, conscious, smart, understanding, or any other synonyms you could find.  you sound stupid idiotic moronic brainless - just don’t say any of them!

Flavor in your ear

So I guess I dropped the ball. I haven’t been as proactive about writing as I hoped to be when I first started on this blogging journey. This is my attempt at getting back on track.

How about I pose a question that’s been on my mind recently and has me a bit overwhelmed. Some people grow up with an idea of who they want to be when they grow up. You live your life with this vision of yourself, possibly in your 30s, that you believe is your fate. What happens if as you start to move towards that career and that life that you have imgined since you were let’s say 7, a hypothetical of course, starts to look unattainable? What if you never thought of a “Plan B” because you were certain that there could be no other possible plan for your life?

So I find myself asking these questions because as you may know, or will soon learn, I do not want to turn my current job into a career. If I had it my way I would be walking into my current job with a resignation letter effective immediately. But what would I do with my time?

I’m thinking my life needs excitement and adventure because it’s been real mundane lately. Can the lack of excitement cause me to think I’m headed in the wrong direction? Damn this overthinking.

Whiglit!!!!

yeah yeah yeah i know i have my ups and downs, just like everyone else…sue me!  so over the last few days i’ve been up and down about my face.  you need background… on wednesday night i took a circus arts class at the NYCAA and i got into a little accident.  well little now but at the moment it was catastrophic (like everything else that happens in my life).  so long story short i was doing a forward tumble off a mini trampoline, my face collided with my knee, ended up at the emergency room.  list of injuries: broken nose, concussion, busted lip, and dental trauma.  so i wasn’t able to go to work on thursday and friday cause i had doctors appointment, after doctors appointment, after x-rays, after more prescriptions getting filled.  all of this to end today at the plastic surgeon’s office.  diagnosis: bruised nose WWWWHHHHHHAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! bruised nose?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? WTF?!?!?!?!?!?!?  here i spent the last 5 days thinking my MF’n nose was broken and it was only bruised?  this is some bull!!!!!!  i thank GOD that my nose isn’t broken – please don’t get me wrong.  but i mean come on.  anyway all in all i found a silver lining.  this was GOD’s way of telling me i needed to take 2 steps back and calm down.  so i’ve done that…i’ve healed…and i’m back!

For the love of myself

I’ve spent the past few nights crying, days crying, conversations crying, meals crying… You get the picture. What I haven’t been doing is healing. I’ve been angry, hurt, felt betrayed, scorned, miserable and empty. But for what? Feelings and emotions come far to easily to someone as sensitive as myself. It is easy for me to fall deep into the emotions that attack my rationality daily. Reflecting on my actions the last few days leaves me wondering is all feelings and emotions need to be recognized. Breaking up is difficult but do all of them have to feel the same. At what point is this sadness and grief that I feel just left over emotions from losing my first love? Are these tears the ones I refused to shed over him? Are my wails of pain leftover from when my heart was truly broken for the first time? Do I feel so alone and empty because I never allowed myself proper time to heal when he left? Do I seek companionship because I never learned how to be ok by myself? I believe that I have been misplacing my emotions and feelings for years. It is not you that I love but him. It is not your touch that I miss buy his. It is not safety in your arms that I yearn for but in his. It is not for you that I write this but for me. It is not for him that I admit this but for me. It is not for the love I have lost but for the love of myself.

This goes out to you…

I feel worn and broken down

head’s hanging low, defeated

my soul’s sore

my mind run down from running in circles

 

you hurt me

but this time it really hurt

it hurt for all the times it didn’t

for the times I never let it

you broke me with your words

my spirit is unsettled

 

the hours I’m awake all I think about is the pain

how I never saw this coming

you helped me breathe again

as quickly as I let you in

you let go and it hurt me

 

the tears burn my eyes

blur my vision

stain my cheeks

and drop onto my chest like bombs

 

I hate you

but I can’t hate you

you opened me up

healed my heart

put a smile on my face

and made me feel loved

 

you robbed my happiness

you stole my compassion

betrayed my trust

shattered my dreams

and left me in the dark

 

I’m trying to find my way

through the dark

through the blur

but when I close my eyes

take a deep breath in

all I see

and all I smell

is you